Have you ever wonder if heterosexual men and women can be “just friends”? Movies like Friends with Benefits, Just Friends, When Harry met Sally and series like Friends and How I met your Mother doesn’t help answer this question since always there is attraction between men and women and the “sex part” gets in the way. Also, daily experience suggests that is not possible, but men and women live, work, and hang out all the time without spontaneously sleeping together.
What science says?– Men, relative to women, have a particularly hard time being “just friends”
Science doesn’t exclude the possibility that people of the opposite sex might be friends, but it does suggest that men have a harder time with it than women. Scientists behind a new study conducted research on the question by interviewing 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex heterosexual friends. In order to ensure honest responses, the researchers required both friends to agree—verbally, and in front of each other—to refrain from discussing the study, even after they had left the testing facility. These friendship pairs were then separated, and each member of each pair was asked a series of questions related to his or her romantic feelings (or lack of) toward the friend with whom they were taking the study.
Results– When asked whether they considered their friends attractive, men were more likely to confess attraction to their female friends. And they were more likely to think their female friends were attracted to them. The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind thinking of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.
What I think?- It’s possible!
For me, there are three reasons for not going “there” with a friend:
1) You’re not attracted to him/her.
2) You’ve gotten to know him/her well, and you understand why you work way better as friends than you would as a couple.
3) You value the friendship too much to risk hooking up and/or dating, which, while it could be awesome, could also irreparably damage said friendship.
Usually the first one is the best reason, but all three are great reasons to keep a great friendship. I think is possible to have a close friendship with a men. I asked a few of my friends and they think is possible too, but especially if at the beginning of the relationship is established that is “just friends”. On my experience is kind of difficult saying that at the beginning because some of the guys I’ve met they don’t want my friendship at all and the attraction is on the way. Thankfully, I have at least a few male friends that I can count on and nothing sexual has happened. Then again, I asked a male friend “if you have the opportunity to be with Melissa* (fake name) would you do it?” He told me “yes”, right away, but then he said, “I don’t want to mess up our relationship, so maybe is better if we don’t go there”. Maybe, science is right!
The truth- It is what it is! From the book Sex Roles by Dr. Don O’Meara, Ph.D.
Truth #1- Friendship is not equal opportunity
Not until high school does puberty really draw boys and girls together, which then continues into college. But as people develop serious romantic relationships or get married, making and maintaining cross-sex friendships becomes harder. Even the most secure people in a strong marriage probably don’t want a spouse to be establishing a new friendship, especially with someone who’s very attractive .The number of cross-sex friendships continues to decline with age—not surprising, because most older adults grew up in an age where having a friend of the opposite sex outside of a relationship was taboo. Then again, times have change.
Truth #2- The benefits
Men rated cross-sex friendships as being much higher in overall quality, enjoyment and nurturing than their same-sex friendships. What they reported liking most was talking and relating to women—something they can’t do with their buddies. With men, women can joke and banter without any emotional baggage. “Friendships with men are lighter, more fun,” said one of my friends. “Men aren’t so sensitive about things.” Some women in Dr. O’ Meara’s study also liked the protective, familial and casual warmth they got from men, viewing them as surrogate big brothers. What they liked most of all, however, was getting some insight into what guys really think.
Truth #3- Is not all about sex
“In reality, sex isn’t always on my mind,” said one of my friends. “That could be due lack of physical attraction or involvement in another romantic relationship” After all, even friends who are attracted to each other may also recognize that qualities they tolerate in a friendship wouldn’t necessarily work in a serious romantic relationship. And after years of considering someone as a friend, it often becomes difficult to see a cross-sex pal as a romantic possibility.
I guess the friendship “status” will always be up to you!
Have a good weekend!
xoxo,
Cristina
