Unfriend that jealous “friend”…

They said that in tough times you find who are really there for you, but I assure you that you actually find out just as much when you’re experiencing success. Some friends like you the way you were; the one who was lonely, unfulfilled, and struggling right alongside them, and when your world starts to expand it makes them uncomfortable.

In some cases, they want to keep you small so they’ll start trying to cut you down to size so their world feels “right” yet again. Ouch! What I’m talking about here is that jealousy is real. Something which can have a corrosive effect on a friendship. And it’s not always out in the open but rather wrapped under layers of passive aggression and cover hostility.

With that said, do you feel like you have a jealous friend?

A friend who doesn’t support, respect and share your happiness with you? If you said yes to this, I highly suggest that you think twice about that friendship.

The Jealous One – This friend is not happy with their life. They are insecure people and they always feel less than others. Because of that, the happiness and success of others makes them feel green with envy. Every success you have in your life, they will feel jealous of it. I can definitely tell when a friend is genuinely happy for my achievements and one who isn’t.

How can you tell if you have a jealous friend?

They stay away – To them, your happiness is a constant reminder of their unhappiness and, as a result, they’d rather stay away. Sometimes it’s disguised as being “really busy”or they’ll just slowly disappear. You may call, visit, send cards and you don’t received anything in return. You may feel like your friendship is not important to them anymore and the lack of contact decreases the friendship you used to have. A friend who is not jealous will want to celebrate with you, a jealous one skips the party every time.

Backhanded Compliments – No matter what you did, they find a way to give the credit to someone else. Just got a new job? “It’s because you know someone.” Just book a few workshops in another city? “It’s because you’re good at marketing.” A deeply jealous friend can never acknowledge that you may actually have earned or even deserve the good things that are happening to you.

The Downgrade – You share your good news with a friend and they act unexpired or immediately seek to cut it (and you) down to size, veiling it with words like “perspective” or claiming they “just want help you keep your feet on the ground” or “be realistic.” They call it “tough love” insert with some praise and support. Be careful here. They’ll often be sure to remind you of your past failures while they’re at it. A true friend is neither stingy with the adjectives nor trying to pull you back down to earth—they’re flying up there right alongside you.

Lack of Support – You’re looking into trying something new and exciting and a jealous friend always tells you that “you’ can’t do it” or “you’re not well suited” for a job, a romance, or just about anything you really want. If you have something big coming up and really need your friend’s help but just when you need them most, they aren’t available.

They’ll come up with some great excuses too. A true friend will not give you that response unless it’s truly warranted, and not just to keep you small. A true friend is able to say these three words “go for it.” A true friend who wants you to succeed and be happy will find a way to be there for you when you need them. They may not be perfect or able to be there every time, but they’ve always got your back.

The falseness – Their response is insincere and usually offered by someone who is aware of their jealously and trying to overcompensate. They put a big fake smile on their face (seeming to forget that you know what their real smile looks like) and act overly happy. It leaves you feeling empty and unsupported and if they were truly happy for you, you’d know it.

What to do?

1. Examine your actions: Look deep and ask yourself, are you doing anything that could be intensifying their feelings of jealousy? Are they in a bad place in their life and have you not been attentive enough of their needs? See if you can put yourself in their shoes and if you can find why they may be feeling the way they do. Take responsibility for your actions and intentions and bring that forth into the next step.

2. Talk it out: Gently approach the subject of your friendship and see why they may be feeling the way they do. Don’t be surprised if their first reaction is one of denial or to say you are imagining things. Some people are not aware of how their jealousy manifests itself so let them know what you hear from them and how it makes you feel. Let them know how important your friendship is to you and see if you can both make a conscious effort to be more supportive and celebrate each other’s good news as if it was your own. At the same time, be clear about behaviors that are not acceptable to you.

3. Connect with them: In most cases, your friend will be open to this dialogue which means the friendship is on solid ground. If however they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and instead keep the finger pointed at you, it’s probably time to check whether you need to stay in this soul-draining relationship. It might be time to let go and move on.

4. Let go: As much as you want to help your friend find happiness and release from jealousy, that is something only they can do themselves. It is their choice and no amount of support on your part will get them there. So why let yourself be diminished and drained in the process as well? If you’ve followed the three steps above and the situation has not improved or gotten toxic, it’s best to understand that letting go is the only way. So, all you can do is forgive them for how they’ve hurt you and set them free.

The space you’ll create in your life will open you up to build the nourishing kinds of relationships you need.

Your journey will become much easier and you’ll be happier by surrounding yourself with positively oriented people who are just as committed to growth and transformation as you are. Read  Signs of Healthy friendships… and stick to it.

Thanks for reading!

xoxo,

Cristina