While venting feel good in the moment, doing it over and over again without any resolution or forward progress can make you feel worse. Excessively complaining and rehashing personal problems with someone else is known as co-rumination, and research shows it can increase stress, especially in those who are already feeling down.
A friend who had a difficult relationship with her stepmother would spend hours going over the latest incident or insult with her best friend, speculating about the step-monster might do next. It was their go-to conversation. Afterwards, she realized, she often felt even angrier and more frustrated.
The problem with venting is that amplifies negativity. The more you think or talk about an issue, the more salient it becomes. It’s adding fuel to the fire. Next time you feel like doing so, try focusing on the problem-solving or talking about something else entirely.
Also, keep an eye on the clock. If you spend more than 15 minutes on the problem, it’s time to move on. Discourage venting from others as well. If you best friend calls you to talk about something that is bothering her, resist joining in and asking questions that encourage her to recount every little detail. “Tell me everything from the beginning” will only lead to play-by-play of what happened and what what she was feeling. It encourages rumination. Consider asking a question that might enable her to gain distance from the situation and insight, such as: “If someone else were in this situation, what advice would you give them?” Rather than dwelling on the details, help yourself and others generate a plan of action.
Best,
Cristina Marie
