Lately, I’ve been wondering if our human nature is able to be in monogamous relationships. I heard so many stories of people who cheat on their partner over and over and they don’t even feel remorse. So, I decided to ask my friends and read a little bit on this subject and share my findings with you guys.
“People have a moral standard about what they will do and will not do. At the end of the day someone who cheats has a lower moral standard than someone who does not. And they will cheat in other areas of life as well.” Carl Lewis
The reasons man and women cheat tend to be different. Usually a men cheat because they want someone psychically different and women cheat because they aren’t emotional happy. So, what’s the truth behind this?
Thinks to know about monogamy by science: There are three hormones that modulate monogamy: Oxycontin, argentine vasopressin, and testosterone. Oxytocin has been shown in animals and humans to sustain pair bonds in males and females through its release in the brain during sex, touch, and nearly any positive social signal as I discussed in an earlier posting on generosity. Arginine vasopressin motivates mate and offspring-guarding in male socially monogamous mammals, an important aspect of pair-bonding. Testosterone is associated with libido and many of the male characteristics like musculature and drive that are attractive to females when seeking high-quality male genes.
What they found? The distribution of Oxycontin and arginine vasopressin receptors in the human brain reveals that we are a monogamous species. But is that socially monogamous or sexually monogamous? We have socially monogamous brains but sexually promiscuous genitals. Adding testosterone to the mix is like having a wild card in poker–anything can happen. Testosterone is in conflict with the bonding effects of Oxycontin (literally–testosterone inhibits the uptake of Oxycontin by its receptor). It motivates men and women, but mostly men who have five to ten times more testosterone than the fairer sex, to seek more sexual partners (and to be single-minded and to take more risks).
A talk with the boys
“I love women. I love my girlfriend, but if I have a good chemistry with another women and it feels right, I will cheat.” This guy is not afraid of losing his girlfriend and is willing to risk a long – term relationship for the exchange of some sexual pleasure. Are all the men like that?
“I would never cheat on my girlfriend. If for one moment this is a possibility, even if is tempting, I will try to focus more in my girl. What is the point of eating outside when you can have everything you want at home? No one deserve to be cheated on.” This guy will be a very faithful boyfriend, for now, right?
Most frequent reasons men cheat:
- They aren’t getting any action. No sex.
- Their girlfriend cheats on them. They feel like doing some revenge.
- They want to know they “still got it”.
- They don’t have the willpower to say no. It’s too tempting.
- They aren’t sexually attracted to their girlfriend anymore.
- And… they stop loving their girl.
You can never stereotype men and say “all men are cheaters”. Some men do it and others don’t and if you follow the science discoveries you would say that some men have more testosterone than others and are more tempted to cheat. What about women?
“It’s much easier to cheat than it is to be loyal. Everyone goes through down times. You just don’t put yourself in those situations, you know?” Ali Larter
A talk with the girls
“I believe that having a kiss with someone else is not cheating. If I feel connected to someone having a kiss with them it’s nothing for me. I’m just letting loose and expressing how I feel.” Hum, what you think about this? A kiss is very personal, but some people see kissing like something casual, not cheating.
In one survey, Undercover Lovers, a UK-based extramarital dating site, surveyed 4,000 of its members, approximately 2,000 men and 2,000 women, about their cheating habits. Among female cheaters, 57% said they felt love for the man with whom they were having an affair. As indicated by this informal survey, women who cheat are much more likely to want and/or need an intimate emotional bond with their affair partner — even simply to believe they have such a bond, though the man may feel differently.
“I would never cheat on my boyfriend. He satisfied me in every aspect in my life. I love him and I don’t believe in ruining something so sacred.” This girl is really in love and she doesn’t need outside satisfaction.
Most frequent reasons women cheat:
- She feels under-appreciated, neglected, or ignored.
- She craves intimacy.
- She is bored and/or lonely.
- She never feels fully loved.
- She has an intimacy disorder.
In truth, some women cheat because they receive little sex or physical intimacy from their spouse. After all, healthy adult women enjoy the physical act of sex as much as men do. That said, women also enjoy the feelings of being wanted, needed, and desired that partner-sexuality can evoke, and a woman is more likely to break her vow of monogamy because she’s seeking this type of emotional connection than for purely sexual reasons.
“Cheating is a choice. Not a mistake.” Anonymous
What do you think? I believe this findings are very accurate. In my past I have cheated before. The reason I did it was because I wasn’t emotionally satisfied with my partner. I remember feeling bad afterwards and I didn’t do it again nor I’ll do it now. After that I’ve been in relationships where I didn’t felt desire or emotional satisfied, but I worked with my partners, even if was tempted to cheat. It’s hard, but a the same time cheating, like one of my friends told me, “Helped me appreciate that we can’t always be robots and be perfect and have self-control. It has helped me appreciate being human and having flaws and making mistakes and that we can’t always control everything we feel, do and think.”
Note: Cheating can have consequences. The keeping of secrets, especially sexual secrets, ruins relationship trust, and betrayal causes pain regardless of gender and regardless of the reasons for breaking a commitment. If a couple chooses to address the situation together, couples counseling can turn a relationship crisis into a growth opportunity. That being said, be careful with your actions and always think if it worth it.
Have a wonderful day! 🙂
